3 MYTHS THAT DERAIL HUSBANDS

Myth #1: Presents can replace presence.

It’s a classic story. A man gets busy with work and increasingly needs “my time” away from the stress of work, parenting, honey-dos… So he offers his wife presents rather than his presence. Initially the gifts may be well received, reinforcing the myth. Unfortunately, most of us men are rather simple-minded when it comes to this kind of behavior. As it becomes clear that our gifts fall short of our wives’ expectations, we simply offer bigger gifts. It’s like putting water in your car’s gas tank and then deciding you need more water to make it run.

I’ve lost count of the discouraged, angry, resentful wives who have sat in my office and told this classic. Men, presents will not replace your presence. It’s a myth that will eventually leave you off track - sad, lonely, and confused.

Myth #2: My pornography viewing has nothing to do with my wife.

I’ve heard, and on some level believed, this myth for most of my 24 years of ministry. But after hearing wife after wife describe their shattered self-esteem, identity struggles, diminished sex drive, and overall broken trust stemming from their husbands' pornography viewing, I know how damaging this particular myth is.

You committed to love, honor and nurture your wife as her husband. What every wife needs most from her husband is nurturing. To nurture your wife means to protect her, to care for her, and to encourage her growth or development. Ogling other naked people betrays your commitment to your wife. Whether you realize it or not, your wife does, and she feels robbed of what she needs the most. I suspect that if your wife was enamored by the photo-shopped anatomy or sexual behavior of another man, you’d understand. Stop. Get help. Don’t drive your marriage into a ditch.

Myth #3: My wife will be happy if I let her make all the decisions.

When it comes to the husband’s role, there are two poles or extreme approaches. One is the macho, command-and-control leader who calls all the shots. The other is an apathetic, neutered, emasculated male, who takes very little responsibility for family decisions. While most of us realize the trappings of the first, we unwittingly gravitate too close to the other extreme. As with most things in life, one extreme is as dangerous as the other. Whether we’re trying to keep the peace or hide our own insecurities, our apathy places a heavy, usually unwanted burden on our wives. A man is hard-wired to lead his family, not in a dictatorial manner, but in a manner that women and children want to follow. Yes, if this has not been modeled for you, you may need coaching. But know this – two decades of counseling have taught me that very few wives are happy making all the family decisions. While you may keep your marriage intact, your apathy will derail your intimacy. Man up. Lead with grace, inclusion and encouragement, but lead.

Stay on Track,

John Crosby