The Beauty of Being Chosen
jo Crosby
On the back wall of the Five Stones office, these words are written:
Being chased pales in comparison to being chosen.
The words are meant to be direct; their meaning is intended to cut though the games people often play to receive and/or validate love; they are meant to be encouraging, hope-filled, and strong. They are meant to be a rally cry! At Five Stones Counseling, we want couples to reach for being chosen.
When we engage in marital relationship games of being chased, we operate from a foundation marked by insecurity, low self-esteem, and/or doubt. If unchecked, these games can lead to conditionally based love and commitment. Unfortunately, we see people play these games all the time. Here are some examples:
I wonder how my spouse will react if they see me flirting with someone else at the cookout? Will they fight for me? Will they be upset enough?
I’ll just walk out the door and leave the next time we have an argument. I won’t tell my spouse where I am going. Will they come looking for me? Will they ask enough questions to convince me that they care where I went?
I have to lose weight and/or get in good shape. I wonder if I am beautiful or handsome enough for my spouse?
Recognize any of these? You probably do. Being chased games are prevalent.
Here’s some truthful, good news: Covenant based, Christ-centered marriage is not based on conditional love; it is based on agape love that is portrayed by being smitten! It is established and rooted in being chosen rather than being chased. Being chosen leads to security. It allows us to relax in a healthy manner with one another. And, being chosen should motivate us to protect our marriage from destructive behaviors and/or thoughts.
So how do we establish being chosen?
First, we put Christ at the center of our marriage through both Scripture and prayer.
Second, we use the power of words to establish, maintain, and build an atmosphere of being chosen in our marriage. Here are some suggestions:
Go beyond just saying I love you. Tell your spouse the specifics of what you love about them. Whisper these words into their ear, write them in a card, and scribble them in lipstick on the bathroom mirror.
Frequently and creatively tell your spouse that no one compares to him or her. Be more complimentary than your comfort zone.
Don’t be lazy in the area of flirting with your spouse. And, NEVER flirt with people other than your spouse. Seriously, people justify this behavior all the time, but flirting with someone other than your spouse is more than a bad habit; it is a doorway to destruction. This includes flirting via social media.
Remember, Christ-centered marriage is founded on love that reaches beyond and above our in-the-moment perceptions and/or circumstances. It is about being someone’s chosen and their beloved. If you are engaging in being chased games (or considering playing them), stop! Talk to your spouse. Seek wise counsel. Consider the wisdom and example of the couple portrayed in the Bible’s, Song of Songs; they know they are each other’s chosen, and the only chasing they engage in is to chase away the little foxes that represent the destructive behaviors in their marriage.
Couples sometimes argue, bodies change with age, and every day is not picturesque; however, the atmosphere of being chosen is achievable, and being chased pales in comparison.
Blessings,
Jo