5 Ways to Reduce the Sting of Marriage Conflict
John Crosby
Marriage conflict is inevitable.
When two people come from different backgrounds, with different experiences, personalities, perspectives, and temperaments, there is bound to be friction.
The absence of conflict is not a trait of great marriages. Having the commitment and tools to resolve conflict within the covenant of marriage helps move marriages from good to great.
Here are five ways to reduce the sting of your marriage conflicts:
1. SIT. Emotions are much more likely to escalate when we stand. Sit. Stay seated as you discuss your differences. You will find the emotional temperature is much more conducive to resolution if you each commit to staying seated during arguments.
2. SIMPLIFY. Each time a new issue is dumped on the table, your conflict gets exponentially more complex. Address one issue at a time. Avoid the temptation to defend yourself by diverting the conversation to other issues. Sure, they're all intertwined. And yes, it may seem like it takes longer to address one issue at a time. However, if you resolve each issue before moving on, you've accomplished far more than you would by overwhelming each other with multiple issues and not resolving anything.
3. CLARIFY. Active or reflective listening is meant to clarify your understanding of what your spouse is communicating. Allow your spouse to make a point. Then restate what you think your spouse meant to communicate. A great way to start is by leading with, "What I think you are saying is.....". Then he/she can affirm or seek to correct your understanding. This process eliminates, or at least minimizes, guessing and assumptions. Each of these can derail your attempts to resolve conflict.
4. QUALIFY. While simplifying and clarifying a conflict involves the content of your discussion, qualifying addresses the context. Qualifying can assure the timing, setting, and participation is agreeable to both parties. Examples of qualifying questions and/or comments are:
Is this a good time to talk?
Could I have thirty minutes to unwind before we address this issue?
Can we talk about this alone?
I need to talk with you about something difficult.
5. APOLOGIZE. Pride and fear are the greatest adversaries of relationships. Nothing diffuses pride and fear like humility and the acceptance of responsibility. Apologize often and authentically. Great apologies include:
an acknowledgment of something wrong
an understanding of the pain, cost, or inconvenience caused by the wrong
an admission of fallibility
and a commitment to seek to avoid repeating that wrong.
Certainly this is not an exhaustive list, but these five actions will reduce the sting of most marriage conflict.
Growing Deeper,
John Crosby